Laugh Out Loud From the Belly – Like an African!
A MISSING FUNNY
today’s FUNNY============================
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
[forwarded by Adon Brownell]
today’s THOT=============================
Men have feelings, too. For example, we feel hungry.
courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
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HEAVEN OR HELL?
While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven. “
So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”
[forwarded by Jerry Lambert]
today’sTHOT============
Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A FLYSWAT FUNNY
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone.”
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
today’sTHOT=========
On the Internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
PHYSICS FUNNY
During a difficult physics lecture, a pre-med student interrupted: “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
“To save lives,” the professor responded firmly, and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: “So, how exactly does physics save lives?”
The prof replied, “It keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
today’sTHOT============================
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo
PIRATE FUNNY
So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from a little bird poop.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
[forwarded by Adon Brownell]
today’sTHOT============================
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A Sod Funny
John and Charles were sitting on the front porch chillin’ when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod (grass) went by.
“I’m gonna do that when I win the lottery,” said John.
“Do what?” asked Charles.
“Send my grass out to be mowed,” answered John.
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today’sTHOT============================
Every time I see a math word problem it looks like this: If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Answer: Purple…because aliens don’t wear hats.
AN INSURANCE FUNNY
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today’sTHOT============================
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE “ESTROGEN ISSUES”
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
3. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
4. You’re using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving.”
5. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
[forwarded by Saralee Perel]
today’sTHOT============================
We had a great time in the kitchen the other night. We boiled up some hyena bones and made ourselves a laughing stock.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
THINGS LEARNED WITH TIME
~ I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”
~ I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.
~ I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
~ I’ve learned that people will forget what you said… people will forget what you did… but people will never forget how you made them feel.
~ I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
~ I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
~ I’ve learned that we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
~ I’ve learned that money doesn’t buy class.
~ I’ve learned that under someone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
~ I’ve learned that the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
~ I’ve learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
~ I’ve learned that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
~ I’ve learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
~ I’ve learned that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
~ I’ve learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
~ I’ve learned that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
~ I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
today’sTHOT============================
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A KEY FUNNY
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!”
today’sTHOT============================
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A FIRE FUNNY
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!”
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
today’sTHOT============================
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A PROF FUNNY
A professor – an atheist – was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no a God.
He said, “God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am God, I’m still waiting”
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard about what the professor said.
The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, “Where did you come from, and why did you do that?”
The football player replied, “God was busy. He sent me.”
today’sTHOT============================
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A BOSS FUNNY
My boss phoned me today.
He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”
I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped for a minute.”
“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.
I said, “Of course, anything, what is it?”
He said, “Hurry up and take your shot, I’m right behind you on the 7th hole.”
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today’sTHOT============================
No one is listening, until you make a mistake.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A FIANCE FUNNY
A young woman brought her fiance to visit her parents. After a nice dinner, the father invited the fiance to the library for a talk.
“So what are your plans?” he asked the young man.
“I am a seminary students,” he replied.
“A seminary student. Hmmm,” said the father. “Admirable, but how will you provide a home for my daughter?”
“I will study,” the young man said, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her an engagement ring, such as she deserves?”
“I will focus on my studies and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you support your children?”
“Don’t worry, sir. God will provide.”
The conversation continued like this; each time the father questioned, the young man insisted that God would provide.
Later, when the mother asked about the male conversation, the father sighed, “Well, he has no job and no plan, but the good news is: he thinks I’m God!”
[forwarded by Smitty]
today’sTHOT============================
No sense being pessimistic; it probably won’t work anyway.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A PICNIC FUNNY
On Monday the minister’s little daughter was very naughty, so her mother told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School picnic on Saturday.
For the next few days the girl’s behaved so nicely the mother changed her mind and said she could go to the picnic after all. Surprisingly, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
“What’s the matter?” asked her mother. “I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.”
“It’s too late,” said the little girl. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
today’sTHOT============================
Lots of people make sense. I’d rather make dollars.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily
Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily
Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.
Your devoted Emily
Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly–they make telephoning almost impossible–but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily
Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily
Dec 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.
Emily
Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you’re satisfied.
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law
today’sTHOT============================
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to North Pole. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A SIGN FUNNY
A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I’m locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t budge.”
The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting…But tell me what does the sign on the door say?”
The guy replies, “It says ‘Pull.'”
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today’sTHOT============================
A Frenchman, an Italian and an American walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
EVERYDAY THANKSGIVING
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, and tempers are short, my children are so loud, thank you, Lord,
for my family. There are many who are alone.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord, for the food we have.
There are so many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life.
today’sTHOT============================
Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR
~ Your VIN is 0000000000000001.
~ You can no longer convince your girlfriend that view of the road through that hole in the floorboard will become a popular extra on new cars.
~ Your engine smokes so much the local health department recently tried to recruit you to help with mosquito abatement this summer.
~ When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt comes off.
~ Your tax adviser has suggested you could save money by purchasing your own tow truck.
~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
~ Your mechanic keeps asking, “Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?”
~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning traffic jams.
~ It hasn’t been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.
~ Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.
~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
today’sTHOT============================
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A WEDDING FUNNY
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”
[For those outside the US, Idaho is known for its potatoes…rimshot!]
today’sTHOT============================
A long-haul trucker offered this tip for staying awake on the road: “Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A FISHING FUNNY
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half
dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”
The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
today’sTHOT============================
Sign in a barber shop: All of our customers make us happy: some by arriving, some by leaving.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
TWO SHORTIES:
Teacher: “Johnny, I asked you to use Roman numerals on your outline.”
Johnny: “But, Teach, my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it!”
—————
Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars or a man with six
children?
A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
today’sTHOT============================
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.{jcomments off}
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS
~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
~ It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
~ A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
~ Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
today’sTHOT============================
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A BROKE HOSPITAL FUNNY
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKING COST-SAVINGS CUTS
By Dave Tippett
10. They encourage your Facebook friends to ‘like’ one of your surgery options
9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reports for local radio station
8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags
7. Discount drug bins on every floor
6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays
5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling up surgery patients
4. Pull start heart-lung machines
3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound now considered a 2nd opinion
2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend request on their Facebook page
1. Coin-Operated I.V.s
——————-
Copyright 2011 Dave Tippett (djtipp@aol.com). Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes.
today’sTHOT============================
If you don’t like my driving, just take a different road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A SICK FUNNY
Because I’m technically over 40, it’s been a bad year for me health-wise. I’ve had a host of ailments, including appendicitis attack, spleen disruptions, and liver migrations, all made worse by the fact that my doctor doesn’t agree that I’ve had any of them. Instead, he says I have mild hypochondria, which is silly—I have *major* hypochondria!
A hypochondriac is a person who gets a disease by hearing about it. So when, for example, I heard about a rare disease called Cornu Cutaneum, in which a four-inch horn grows out of the center of one’s forehead, I knew for certain I had it. Panicked because I didn’t think I could make a living as a rhinoceros, I phoned my doctor and told him I had all the symptoms of the illness.
“You have a four-inch horn growing from your head?” he demanded.
“All the symptoms except that one,” I amended.
“Like?”
“Like, I’m starting to find elephant skin very attractive, and I have an increasing urge to head-butt a Land Rover.”
“All right,” my doctor said after a lengthy pause, “put sun block on the affected area.”
“And that will cure it?”
“Can’t hurt,” the doctor said hippocratically.
I’ve also got the Ebola virus, where one’s body basically just falls apart, something that has been happening to me since I turned 30. There’s no known cure, though my doctor has prescribed diet and exercise, which he says can’t hurt. I disagree; exercise does hurt, and probably makes my Ebola worse to boot.
Possibly the worst affliction I’ve had so far this year is Alien-Hand Syndrome, where my right hand, strictly on its own, tries to kill me via strangulation or donuts. I’ve watched, mesmerized, as my hand spookily reaches into a box and pulls out a chocolate-covered custard-filled bismark, which you know has to be even worse for you than a donut because they taste even better. You’ll recall that Dr. Strangelove, played by Peter Sellers, had Alien-Hand Syndrome, and that the movie ended with total nuclear annihilation, though my doctor isn’t sure that’s going to happen in my case.
“Your hand has tried to strangle you? Honestly?” he asks skeptically after the nurse puts me through in the name of preventing the destruction of the planet.
“I think it has tried to strangle me DIShonestly,” I correct. “It pretends to be just lying there. I think it’s waiting for me to fall asleep.”
“How do you know you’ve got this rare syndrome?”
“Because,” I say triumphantly, “the rest of me has Akinetic Mutism!”
Sufferers of Akinetic Mutism are awake and conscious, but lie around unmoving and unresponsive, like a man watching golf on television. My problem was that except for my Alien Hand reaching for a donut and occasional trips to the mirror to make sure the sun block was keeping the rhino horn at bay, I’d pretty much done nothing but nap all weekend, even though I had lots of work to do.
“If you had Akinetic Mutism, you wouldn’t be able to make this phone call—that’s where the mutism part comes from,” my doctor tells me.
“So I have *talking* mutism?”
“Tell you what. When you suffer from this condition, are you by any chance holding the TV remote?”
“No,” I answer defensively. “My Alien Hand is holding the remote. I have no control.”
“Try unplugging the television.”
“That…seems kind of radical,” I reply faintly.
“Can’t hurt.”
I’m not so sure—what would my Alien Hand do to me if I rendered the remote useless?
“You seem to be catching a lot of strange diseases, lately. Have you been reading about rare disorders, or something?”
“No, not at all! Well, there is this one book.”
“What’s it called?”
“Rare Disorders.”
“Ah. I’d like you to send it to me,” my doctor requested.
“So you can provide better treatment?”
“Sending it to me is the treatment. I think getting it out of your Alien Hands would be good for you, you seem to catch whatever you read about.”
That’s when he explained that I had hypochondria, which I found in the book right next to hyponatremia, whose symptoms include fatigue, listlessness, and apathy.
I decide I’ll send him the book later—right now I just don’t feel like doing it.
—————–
From The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter:
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
today’sTHOT============================
Life is too serious to be taken seriously.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A WEDDING FUNNY
A wide-eyed little girl, attending her first wedding, did not miss a single detail.
Afterward she asked her mother: “Did the lady change her mind? She went up the aisle with one man and came back with a different one!”
today’sTHOT============================
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
EVERYBODY’S JOB
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
[forwarded by Dean Birdsall]
today’sTHOT============================
We are all faced with great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A PRAISE FUNNY
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. For instance, she would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There is no Lord!!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD. GOD, I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!”
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there is no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “PRAISE THE LORD!! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”
[forwarded by Anne Subia]
today’sTHOT============================
I’m going crazy. Wanna come along?
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A SOUP FUNNY
A couple of soldiers were living off base during the Korean War. They hired a local houseboy to do cooking and cleaning and other odd jobs for them, but they also took delight in playing tricks on him—just for meanness.
One morning when the boy got up and put on his slippers, he awkwardly fell forward to the ground—his shoes had been nailed to the floor. One night when he crawled into bed, he found shaving cream under his pillow. But no matter what pranks the soldiers pulled—whether short-sheeting his bed or setting buckets of water over his door—he always appeared to respond without much visible anger. “That’s okay,” he would say.
Finally, the young men realized they’d been inhumane in their treatment of the boy. They went to him and apologized. “We’re sorry for what we’ve been doing to you. It won’t happen again.”
“You no more nail shoes to the floor?” No.
“You no more short-sheet bed? No more shave cream under pillow?” That’s right.
A little smile crept across the boy’s lips. Then he said, “Okay. Then me no more spit in soup.”
Courtesy: FamilyLife
SUPERMARKET FUNNY
A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’M William … the little brat’s name is Kevin.”
[forwarded by Johanna Boman]
today’sTHOT: What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
RETIRED HUSBAND FUNNY
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store management:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.” This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
April 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
April 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d let them get in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” Paramedics were called.
June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
July 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
July 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
And last, but not least:
August 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.” One of our clerks passed out.
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
today’sTHOT: I have a high opinion of my opinion.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
A KISS FUNNY
A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other “looks.” Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: “It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: “I didn’t think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking: “I’m glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: “Life is good. When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!”
[forwarded by Mavis Weatherhead]
today’sTHOT: It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Courtesy: Mikey’s Funnies
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