NUGGETS: Humor, Favorite Sayings, and Tidbits
Laughter is contagious (Image: Gabriel Udoka @ Pexels)
RESUMANIA
“Resumania” is a term to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some examples:
“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and
expertise.”
(And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)
“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I
am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”
(No problem …)
“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable.”
(Glad to hear it.)
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
(And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)
“I am very detail-oreinted.”
(With the possible exception of spelling)
“I can play well with others.”
(We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)
“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
(A new twist on work-family balance.)
“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
(Have you considered law school?)
“My salary requirement is $34 per year.”
(They say money isn’t everything.)
“Served as assistant sore manager.”
(Ouch.)
“Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.”
(Definitely to the point.)
“I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.”
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s
girlfriend could steal my job.”
(We’re glad you’re not bitter.)
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today’sTHOT: A penny saved…isn’t much of a discount.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A NO-FRILLS AIRLINE
~ Instead of a Sky Cap, the pilot carries your luggage to the plane.
~ You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
~ Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
~ The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
~ The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
~ No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
~ All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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today’sTHOT: I’m not in denial, I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
THE AMAZING STUPIDITY OF…
You. Yes, you (hopefully still reading). Before you deny anything, read this first and then call me stupid.
I was talking to God once. Or maybe I was just talking to myself. (And I know you’re dying to call me stupid but you haven’t even scraped the surface of my stupid barrel yet. Hold your tongue.) The conversation went something like this:
God: Yinka, don’t you have an exam tomorrow?
Yinka pauses to think about the question asked . . . for like a millisecond.
Yinka: Yupp.
God: so aren’t you going to read for it? So you’ll pass?
Yinka sighs in annoyance at the voice.
Yinka: Nope.
God: You know you’ll regret this.
Yinka shrugs her shoulders inconsequentially.
Yinka: Your point . . . ?
Wait- Pause! I don’t think I was that rude to God. Can’t even be that rude to my own reflection but just flow with it.
God sighs and goes back to saving the world with his awesomeness.
So the test Came and went, and it’s pretty obvious that I failed it, so the next day I came crawling back.
Yinka, with a look of regret on her face: God I’m sorry. I should have listened.
God: Yeah, I told you so. Hope you learned your lesson.
Yinka: Of course! I’ll never do that again, and I’ll always read and listen to whatever you say, when you say it and I promise that – (Yinka’s voice just becomes a bunch of blah blah blah’s as she makes Hype-Promises.)
God shakes his head and sighs, knowing she’s probably going to break the promises she makes.
My point? Well I’ll tell you my point! In fact I’ll tell you right now. Just as soon as I figure it out.
It’s human nature to be stupid. Now, we can curb that monstrous nature once in a while but most of the time it reigns freely. And we let it (insert shocked gasp here)!! Blaming every single stupid action on some invisible deity with four simple words “It’s not my fault.”
Then whose fault could it be? I’m sure you have a billion answers to that question but truth be told: It’s all your fault.
Now let’s back up a bit and really look at it. This character doesn’t come out of nowhere, oh no! It is deeply rooted to our subconscious, I mean, you’ve noticed how your throat suddenly feels thirsty when you realize there is an unavailability of water, or how you feel hungry when you realize there is no food, or how your curiosity is sparked when you are forbidden from doing something which under normal circumstances you wouldn’t care about.
That’s the stupidity talking.
You can gape but deeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeep down you know I’m right. It is our human nature to strive for some level of perfection, and when that perfection is tarnished by a stupid act, we wish to see it as, well, not tarnished. We convince ourselves that the stupid act is actually not a stupid act but the right one. And when (not if) it doesn’t work out, we, filled with remorse, repent. But there is still a defiant streak within us that convinces us that, maybe it could have worked out and that leads to the inevitable – doing it again.
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Olayinka Eno Babalola and Saralee Perel met because they’re both Mikey’s Funnies readers. Since then, they’ve become the best of friends. Olayinka would love to hear from you. Please send your comments to Saralee Perel at: sperel@saraleeperel.com and she’ll forward all emails to her.
Copyright 2011 Olayinka Eno Babalola. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
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today’sTHOT:
Because of God’s grace, failure is never final.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
A HAY FUNNY
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you this morning,” the pastor says.
“Well, Rev’rund,” the farmer replied, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”
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today’sTHOT: I’m on a new diet. No, I haven’t changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
AN ESSAY FUNNY
“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'”
Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.
“What’s the matter, Philip?” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
UP
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’ It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP !
Did this one crack you UP?
Don’t screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it’s UP to you.
Now I’ll shut UP!
[forwarded by Rev. Chuck Anderson]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
COIN
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother
ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his
shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed
the coin out.
“I don’t know how to thank you, doctor,” his mother started.
“I’m not a doctor,” the man replied. “I’m from the IRS.”
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
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today’sTHOT: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I hate having to repeat myself.
WANT A DAY OFF WORK?
So you want a day off??? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and there’s NO way you’re going to take that day off!
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
A MAKE UP FUNNY
Grandma was in the bathroom putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Just think: The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandchild.
A BILL FUNNY
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:”, I always put “A doctor.”
AN ADVICE FUNNY
At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride’s grandparents took the honors.
The DJ asked them: “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
The grandma said: “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”
Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: “She’s probably right.”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
A WEDDING FUNNY
During a wedding reception the mother of the bride managed to keep from crying until she glanced at the grandparents.
The grandmother had reached over to the grandfather’s wheelchair and gently touched his hand.
That was all it took to start the mother’s tears flowing.
After the wedding, she went over to the grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
“Well, I’m sorry to ruin your moment,” Grandmother replied, “but I was just checking to see if he was still alive.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: I sat up all night thinking about the sun. Then it dawned on me.
A WRONG WAY FUNNY
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!”
“Honey,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car…It’s hundreds of them!”
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: I’ll part your behind like it’s the Red Sea, and my foot is Moses!
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
~ At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
~ Insist that your email address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
~ Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
~ Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
~ Finish all your sentences with, “…in accordance with the prophecy.”
~ Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
~ Dont use any punctuation
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Don’t tell your troubles to other people – 95% don’t care and the other 5% are glad you have them.
MAKING MONEY FUNNY
Three kids are sitting around the lunch table at school.
One says, “My dad’s a lawyer. People pay him $200 for letter with his opinion on it.”
Another says, “My dad’s a doctor. He writes prescriptions on a little sheet of paper and people pay him $300 for it.”
The third says, “My dad’s a preacher. He writes a few notes a napkin, tells everyone and it takes 8 people to collect all the money.”
[forwarded by Mike Swank]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
A JOB FUNNY
Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”
[forwarded by Val Arends]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8.
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4
“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5
“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6
“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4
“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay.” Danny – age 7
“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” Emily – age 8
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7
“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.” Nikka – age 6
“There are two kinds of love, Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.” Jenny – age 8
“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.” Noelle – age 7
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6
“During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8
“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6
“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine – age 5
“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” Chris – age 7
“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 5
“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7
“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
A PRIZE FUNNY
A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which
one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison: “You, Daddy!”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
A DREAM FUNNY
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight.” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Do NOT argue with a spouse who’s packing your parachute.
A VALENTINE GIFT FUNNY
Here’s a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
– A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
– Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
– Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.
– Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”
– Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
– Cash.
– Any food item with the words “diet,” “light,” or “high fiber” on the label.
– Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.
– Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.
– An apologetic look and the words “That was today?”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A DOG-TIRED FUNNY
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with eight children. He’s just trying to catch up on his sleep.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
A TRICK FUNNY
Little boy: “Oh, Gramma, I sure am happy to see you! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
Grandmother: “What trick is that?”
Little boy: “He told Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
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today’sTHOT: Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A MEMORY FUNNY
An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things. Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”
He replied, “To the kitchen.”
She: “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
He: “Sure.”
She: “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He: “No, I can remem
