‘You might be from Mars, but you live on Venus now’

‘You might be from Mars, but you live on Venus now’ and other ways to knock some sense into your man

I’ve heard it all: the reasons why women should accept their emotionally stunted men and continue to spoon-feed them, forgiving them all their foibles: social conditioning, gender stereotypes, lack of strong male role-models, too many strong male role-models,

‘You can’t love me like my momma does’, mid-life crisis, peer pressure, Mars and Venus…  It’s time to throw those excuses out of the window as the washed-up, sorry lines that they are.  I have never read the book that armed men with the biggest cop out in the history of love and sex, but it is about time we had a paradigm shift. John Gray’s attempt in 1992 to improve relationships might have actually done us the greatest disservice and it continues to do so today.

Without a doubt, Gray’s work marked a very important step in the dialogue between the genders but it focused more on the differences between men and women rather than the similarities. For instance, Gray mentioned the points system by which we note the strengths of our mates and makes a big deal about the differences between the way men issue block brownie points for significant acts, while women supposedly issue single points for every strength – major or minor. He identifies these differences as fundamental opposites that are as intrinsic as if we were different species.  This sounds like splitting hairs: Do we all – male and female – keep score? Hell, yes!  That sounds like a major similarity to me. Siblings keep score:  ask a teenager whose brother did not tell about the time he sneaked out to that party? Employers keep score: ask the Manager whose job you saved by taking the blame when that would have been his last strike with the big bosses. Those usually count as huge scores in anyone’s books – male or female.  Do we keep scores differently? Of course we do but it is not defined along the gender lines.   Even the most unrepentant single-point-issuing female will tell you different if you ask her how she scores the indiscretion she overlooked that summer when you had an affair with your secretary during the office retreat. I guarantee you, she won’t be scoring that as a single point.  In fact, that counts as a ‘Get-out-of-jail-FREE-in-perpetuity’ card in her books and no, it would not be outdone by the fact that you overlooked the time she had a melt-down and cashed in your life savings for a limited edition Prada bag.

In every game, you need to define the rules of engagement. Before we play, we should agree on the scoring parameters:  Should buying her a gift at which she hinted for months count the same as surprising her with a thoughtful gift she absolutely loved?  Does sending flowers that originally came in as a funeral bouquet for Aunt Lizzy count as a plus or a minus?

Admittedly, when it comes to love and matters of the heart, women have a lot more practice than men.  From an early age, they are taught to cry, speak and act from the heart. It’s where they live.  Men are conditioned differently.   Raised to hold back tears, always have a plan and act rationally, they visit this strange far-away town where emotions are on display only occasionally while they are young – if ever – and then one day, bewitched by the object of their affection, they decide they want to move there permanently. Who’s going to show you how to swing on the ropes and teach you how to harpoon your first fish? Of course, you can adapt so well that you develop some new tricks and teach them to her but first, you need to learn the lay of the land from the experts: the natives. Gents, you don’t have to be at a disadvantage for ever.  If you dig deep, you will find your inner Venusian and soon, you’ll be speaking your lady’s language like a pro.

Ladies, if you failed to agree on the rules before-hand, raise a white flag, yell ‘TIME OUT’ and sit down to review the rules before it is too late. Although we each have a right to be loved, marriage is a privilege.  There are responsibilities involved, which must be accepted as part of the package.  If your man will not accept the responsibilities that go with the territory, he should simply stay out of Venus!