NUGGETS: humor, favorite sayings, tidbits
RESUMANIA
“Resumania” is a term to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some examples:
“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and
expertise.”
(And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)
“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I
am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”
(No problem …)
“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable.”
(Glad to hear it.)
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
(And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)
“I am very detail-oreinted.”
(With the possible exception of spelling)
“I can play well with others.”
(We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)
“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
(A new twist on work-family balance.)
“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
(Have you considered law school?)
“My salary requirement is $34 per year.”
(They say money isn’t everything.)
“Served as assistant sore manager.”
(Ouch.)
“Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.”
(Definitely to the point.)
“I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.”
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s
girlfriend could steal my job.”
(We’re glad you’re not bitter.)
=======================================
today’sTHOT: A penny saved…isn’t much of a discount.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A NO-FRILLS AIRLINE
~ Instead of a Sky Cap, the pilot carries your luggage to the plane.
~ You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
~ Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
~ The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
~ The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
~ No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
~ All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I’m not in denial, I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
THE AMAZING STUPIDITY OF…
You. Yes, you (hopefully still reading). Before you deny anything, read this first and then call me stupid.
I was talking to God once. Or maybe I was just talking to myself. (And I know you’re dying to call me stupid but you haven’t even scraped the surface of my stupid barrel yet. Hold your tongue.) The conversation went something like this:
God: Yinka, don’t you have an exam tomorrow?
Yinka pauses to think about the question asked . . . for like a millisecond.
Yinka: Yupp.
God: so aren’t you going to read for it? So you’ll pass?
Yinka sighs in annoyance at the voice.
Yinka: Nope.
God: You know you’ll regret this.
Yinka shrugs her shoulders inconsequentially.
Yinka: Your point . . . ?
Wait- Pause! I don’t think I was that rude to God. Can’t even be that rude to my own reflection but just flow with it.
God sighs and goes back to saving the world with his awesomeness.
So the test Came and went, and it’s pretty obvious that I failed it, so the next day I came crawling back.
Yinka, with a look of regret on her face: God I’m sorry. I should have listened.
God: Yeah, I told you so. Hope you learned your lesson.
Yinka: Of course! I’ll never do that again, and I’ll always read and listen to whatever you say, when you say it and I promise that – (Yinka’s voice just becomes a bunch of blah blah blah’s as she makes Hype-Promises.)
God shakes his head and sighs, knowing she’s probably going to break the promises she makes.
My point? Well I’ll tell you my point! In fact I’ll tell you right now. Just as soon as I figure it out.
It’s human nature to be stupid. Now, we can curb that monstrous nature once in a while but most of the time it reigns freely. And we let it (insert shocked gasp here)!! Blaming every single stupid action on some invisible deity with four simple words “It’s not my fault.”
Then whose fault could it be? I’m sure you have a billion answers to that question but truth be told: It’s all your fault.
Now let’s back up a bit and really look at it. This character doesn’t come out of nowhere, oh no! It is deeply rooted to our subconscious, I mean, you’ve noticed how your throat suddenly feels thirsty when you realize there is an unavailability of water, or how you feel hungry when you realize there is no food, or how your curiosity is sparked when you are forbidden from doing something which under normal circumstances you wouldn’t care about.
That’s the stupidity talking.
You can gape but deeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeep down you know I’m right. It is our human nature to strive for some level of perfection, and when that perfection is tarnished by a stupid act, we wish to see it as, well, not tarnished. We convince ourselves that the stupid act is actually not a stupid act but the right one. And when (not if) it doesn’t work out, we, filled with remorse, repent. But there is still a defiant streak within us that convinces us that, maybe it could have worked out and that leads to the inevitable – doing it again.
————
Olayinka Eno Babalola and Saralee Perel met because they’re both Mikey’s Funnies readers. Since then, they’ve become the best of friends. Olayinka would love to hear from you. Please send your comments to Saralee Perel at: sperel@saraleeperel.com and she’ll forward all emails to her.
Copyright 2011 Olayinka Eno Babalola. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
=======================================
today’sTHOT:
Because of God’s grace, failure is never final.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
A HAY FUNNY
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you this morning,” the pastor says.
“Well, Rev’rund,” the farmer replied, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I’m on a new diet. No, I haven’t changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
AN ESSAY FUNNY
“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'”
Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.
“What’s the matter, Philip?” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
UP
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’ It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP !
Did this one crack you UP?
Don’t screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it’s UP to you.
Now I’ll shut UP!
[forwarded by Rev. Chuck Anderson]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
COIN
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother
ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his
shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed
the coin out.
“I don’t know how to thank you, doctor,” his mother started.
“I’m not a doctor,” the man replied. “I’m from the IRS.”
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I hate having to repeat myself.
WANT A DAY OFF WORK?
So you want a day off??? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and there’s NO way you’re going to take that day off!
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
A MAKE UP FUNNY
Grandma was in the bathroom putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Just think: The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandchild.
A BILL FUNNY
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:”, I always put “A doctor.”
AN ADVICE FUNNY
At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride’s grandparents took the honors.
The DJ asked them: “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
The grandma said: “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”
Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: “She’s probably right.”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
A WEDDING FUNNY
During a wedding reception the mother of the bride managed to keep from crying until she glanced at the grandparents.
The grandmother had reached over to the grandfather’s wheelchair and gently touched his hand.
That was all it took to start the mother’s tears flowing.
After the wedding, she went over to the grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
“Well, I’m sorry to ruin your moment,” Grandmother replied, “but I was just checking to see if he was still alive.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I sat up all night thinking about the sun. Then it dawned on me.
A WRONG WAY FUNNY
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!”
“Honey,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car…It’s hundreds of them!”
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I’ll part your behind like it’s the Red Sea, and my foot is Moses!
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
~ At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
~ Insist that your email address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
~ Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
~ Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
~ Finish all your sentences with, “…in accordance with the prophecy.”
~ Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
~ Dont use any punctuation
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Don’t tell your troubles to other people – 95% don’t care and the other 5% are glad you have them.
MAKING MONEY FUNNY
Three kids are sitting around the lunch table at school.
One says, “My dad’s a lawyer. People pay him $200 for letter with his opinion on it.”
Another says, “My dad’s a doctor. He writes prescriptions on a little sheet of paper and people pay him $300 for it.”
The third says, “My dad’s a preacher. He writes a few notes a napkin, tells everyone and it takes 8 people to collect all the money.”
[forwarded by Mike Swank]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
A JOB FUNNY
Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”
[forwarded by Val Arends]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8.
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4
“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5
“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6
“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4
“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay.” Danny – age 7
“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” Emily – age 8
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7
“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.” Nikka – age 6
“There are two kinds of love, Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.” Jenny – age 8
“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.” Noelle – age 7
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6
“During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8
“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6
“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine – age 5
“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” Chris – age 7
“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 5
“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7
“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
A PRIZE FUNNY
A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which
one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison: “You, Daddy!”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
A DREAM FUNNY
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight.” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Do NOT argue with a spouse who’s packing your parachute.
A VALENTINE GIFT FUNNY
Here’s a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
– A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
– Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
– Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.
– Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”
– Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
– Cash.
– Any food item with the words “diet,” “light,” or “high fiber” on the label.
– Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.
– Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.
– An apologetic look and the words “That was today?”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A DOG-TIRED FUNNY
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with eight children. He’s just trying to catch up on his sleep.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
A TRICK FUNNY
Little boy: “Oh, Gramma, I sure am happy to see you! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
Grandmother: “What trick is that?”
Little boy: “He told Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A MEMORY FUNNY
An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things. Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”
He replied, “To the kitchen.”
She: “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
He: “Sure.”
She: “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He: “No, I can remember.”
She: “Please put some strawberries on it. You better write that down ’cause I know you’ll forget.”
He: “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She: “Well, I’d also like whipped cream on top. I know you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down.”
He: “No, I don’t need to write it down! I can remember!”
Fuming, he went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
A COMPOSING FUNNY
A man was walking through a German forest when he saw this deep cave, so he decided to go exploring. He walked in a ways and saw a flickering light far ahead so he walked to it.
He was surprised to find an old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the notes off of the paper and laying the blank sheets aside.
The walker was astonished when he saw who he thought the man was. It seemed to be Mozart! He asked, “Are you Mozart?”
“Yes”, the old man replied.
“Would that be Wolfgang Mozart?”
Again the reply was “Yes.”
“Well, you’ve been dead for centuries. What are doing rubbing notes off of music?”
[Ready for this … ???]
The old man looked up, “I’m decomposing!”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Genius is perseverance in disguise.
A THOTS FUNNY
~ A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.
~ Anyone who says “Easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried it.
~ Before entering a battle of wits, check your ammunition.
~ Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
~ Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
~ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
~ Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
~ Experience is that thing you have just after you need it.
~ Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
A SIGN FUNNY
An American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec.
When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs – now in French – and said in a worried tone, “I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep.”
[forwarded by Michael Grice]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A SHOPPING FUNNY
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!
AN UNTRUE FUNNY- 2
Other things you hear – besides “The check is in the mail” – that probably aren’t true:
* I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.
* I’ll call you right back.
*Just treat me like everybody else
* I’m from the government and I’m here to help.
* Don’t worry.
* I don’t need a nice ring when you ask me to marry you.
* Almost any answer to the question, “Do these pants make my rear end look big?”
* I will pay you back next week.
* I only had one drink, officer.
* I’ll be there in 5 minutes.
* No, your driver’s license picture looks fine.
* The dog ate my homework.
* It tastes just like chicken.
* This car is just like new.
* Guaranteed to last a lifetime.
* This will pay for itself the first time you use it.
* We don’t need to stop for directions. I know exactly where we are.
* Congratulations! You’ve just won an all expense paid trip to the destination of your choice. Absolutely free! No strings attached.
* Sadly, “I’ll be praying for you.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I joined a fitness club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
ANCIENT IMMIGRATION NEWS
If the birth of Jesus was covered by today’s tabloids:
ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH –
BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON
BETHLEHEM — It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped for the use of a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.
“There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,” commented local public health authorities. “We even found a donkey inside.”
“The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,” offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. “She claims to have been a virgin.”
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. “There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God,” explained Pilate, “and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future.”
Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol carrying illegal contraband. “We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh,” explained an official with the Border Patrol. “And they didn’t have any papers.” The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.
At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. “This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to global warming,” the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency commented.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
AN UNTRUE FUNNY
Things you hear – besides “The check is in the mail” – that probably aren’t true:
* (after giving directions) …you can’t miss it.
* I never watch television except PBS.
* The engine is supposed to make that noise.
* I never inhaled.
* Just ignore him — he’s never bitten anyone.
* Don’t worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on “empty.”
* It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.
* You get this one and I’ll pay next time.
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I didn’t trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.
THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY
1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your shirt (males only), shoes and socks at the dinner table.
2. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud “BUZZ”ing noise.
4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking.
5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
6. Hold your nose while you eat.
7. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
8. At mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See Mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice, you were worried for nothing.”
9. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that you’ve got a new fear of choking.
10. When you arrive, promise that your date won’t be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
A HAWAII FUNNY
You might be from Hawaii if:
~ You can pronounce humuhumunukunukuapua’a and know which fish it is.
~ You never stand with your back to the ocean … or a blow hole.
~ You know what “Kane” and “Wahine” mean without looking at the pictures on the rest room doors.
~ You say “Aloha” not “AaaalooohAAA!”
~ Your meals usually include one or more of these: rice, poi, and Mac Salad.
~ You have experienced “Hawaiian Paralysis” from consuming these foods in vast quantities.
~ Maybe you can dance the hula, or maybe not, but you know better than to get up on stage and try it in front of strangers!
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: How is it one careless match can start a forest fire when you can’t start a camp fire with a whole book of matches?
A NAVY FUNNY
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
“You don’t understand, sir,” my friend said. “I’m in the wedding.”
“No, YOU don’t understand,” the officer replied. “You’re in the Navy.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Home is where you hang your @
A DRUMMING FUNNY
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, “What are those drums?”
The guide turned to him and said, “Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop.”
As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, “Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!”
Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: “The drums stopped! What now?”
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “Guitar solo.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I have a super power. I can read my own thoughts.
A CANON FUNNY
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”
[forwarded by Marty Walker]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: If it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?
SIX TRUTHS IN LIFE
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time – a physical impossibility.
2. All knuckleheads, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are a knucklehead.
5. You soon will forward this to another knucklehead.
6. There is still a smile on your face.
I sincerely apologize about this but I’m an knucklehead and I needed company.
[forwarded by Marty Walker]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I lost my mood ring today. I don’t know how I feel about losing it.
TRY BEFORE YOU BUY
Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress.
In the clothing store she asked, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
“Certainly not, madam,” responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
AN OFF-KEY FUNNY
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. “Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks need all the practice you can get.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
AN AGREEABLE FUNNY
Sal: “You get along so well with just everybody – how do you do it?”
Nat: “It’s easy: I never disagree with anyone, no matter what.”
Sal: “Oh, that’s impossible!”
Nat: “You’re absolutely right.”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.
A PROMOTION FUNNY
“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved.
“And then he rang up a second time and said, ‘You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again.
“He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re actually the new managing director.’ And I went into a tree.
“So a policeman came up and asked, ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.'”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
A DECLARATION FUNNY
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, “You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
A LAST MINUTE FUNNY
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the young man, “sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: The sign said “Eight items or less.” So I changed my name to Les.
WHO’S BOSS FUNNY
Bill, the boss, was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.
After lunch, he noticed Willie had taped another note under his: “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
VOCAL DYSLEXIA
There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15 every minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it’s called. An elment I’ve been lifing all my fight. It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or crolor.
Symptoms:
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together
The victims: innocent people like you and pe
Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful symp, butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things 3:
3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much
For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan
Thank you muchy ver.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: He who throws mud loses ground.
A MURPHY’S LAW FUNNY
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are are few other related Laws. Here are some:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
–Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren’t.
–Beach’s Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
–Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
–Tussman’s Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowery’s Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peer’s Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
–William’s Law
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology.
2. If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.
3. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.
Machines should work. People should think.
–IBM’s Pollyanna Principle:
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage – management.
–The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
–Ehrlich’s Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
–Ralph’s Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
–Cannon’s Comment
Thinly sliced cabbage.
–Cole’s Law
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.
AN INNOCENT FUNNY
Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
~ Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming “do over!”
~ “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn’t matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ “Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the next freeway exit.
BABY NAME IDEAS
Based on your occupation!
PROFESSION……………………NAME
Lawyer’s daughter……………..Sue
Thief’s son…………………..Rob
Lawyer’s son………………….Will
Doctor ‘s son…………………Bill
Meteorologist’s daughter……….Haley
Steam shovel operator’s son…….Doug
Hair stylist’s son…………….Bob
Homeopathic doctor’s son……….Herb
Justice of the peace’s daughter…Mary
Sound stage technician’s son……Mike
Hot-dog vendor’s son…………..Frank
Gambler’s daughter…………….Bette
Exercise guru’s son……………Jim
Cattle thief’s son…………….Russell
Painter’s son…………………Art
Iron worker’s son……………..Rusty
TV show star’s daughter………..Emmy
Movie star’s son………………Oscar
Barber’s son………………….Harry
Housewife’s son ………………Dusty
Minister’s daughter …………..Faith
Day-trader’s daughter …………Hope
Televangelist’s daughter ………Charity
IRS agent’s daughter ………….Mony
Geneticist’s son ……………..Gene
Espresso vendor’s son …………Joe
Undertaker’s son ……………..Barry
Beautician’s son ……………..Curly
Gardener’s son ……………….Moe
Florist’s daughter ……………Rose
Baker’s daughter ……………..Cookie
Manicurist’s son ……………..Hans
Athlete’s son ………………..Victor
Lumberjack’s son ……………..Glenn
Plumber’s son ………………..John
Accountant’s daughter …………Ira
Musician’s daughter …………..Melody
Jeweler’s daughter ……………Opal
Gastrointerologist’s daughter ….Fanny
Politician’s daughter …………Patsy
Butcher’s daughter…………….Patty
Bartender’s daughter…………..Brandy
Moving company exec’s daughter….Cari
Counterfeiter’s son……………Bill
Museum curator’s son…………..Art
Book printer’s daughter………..Paige
Trout fisher’s daughter………..Brook
Kindergarten teacher’s son……..Skip
Publisher’s daughter…………..Mag
Woodworker’s daughter………….Peg
Tennis player’s son……………Ace
Clothing manufacturer’s daughter..Polly Esther
Teacher’s son…………………Mark
Landscaper’s son………………Phil
Singer’s twin daughters………..Harmony & Melody
Highway patrolman’s son………..Chase
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
A CHICKEN FUNNY
Teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny. But she couldn’t have been right – everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken – pork and beef and fish too.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
A FOOTBALL FUNNY
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. “Why are you so late?” his friend asked.
“I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game.”
“How long could that have taken you?”
“Well, I had to toss it 14 times.”
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
today’sTHOT: The first rule of holes: If you’re in one, stop digging.
AN AIRLINE FUNNY
With airlines adding fees to fees, we thought we’d warn you of the next surcharges they’ll levy for something previously free:
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card.
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today’sTHOT”: Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE
– American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
– Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
– You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
– You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
– Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
– You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
– Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
– You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
– You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
– Your bologna has no first name.
– McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
– At communion you go back for seconds.
today’sTHOT: How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
A LAUGHTER FUNNY
“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”
— Victor Borge
“Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.”
— Arnold Glasow
“Laughter is by definition healthy.”
— Doris Lessing
“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”
— Mark Twain
“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”
— Yiddish Proverb
“Laughter is an instant vacation.”
— Milton Berle
today’sTHOT: I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it’s procrastination.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
MORE KID FUNNIES
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night: “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied that she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it’s me?”
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
[forwarded by Will Penner]
=======================================
today’sTHOT: Every time I hear that dirty word, “exercise,” I wash out my mouth with chocolate.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
A bull does not bellow in a foreign country. ~Ethiopian Proverb AfricanProverbs
A KID FUNNY
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked, “What happened to the flea?”
NIKKI (age 4) was listening intently to the Sunday sermon. “Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued, but at that moment Nikki leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
MAX (age 4) to his dad: “Dark Vader’s not the boss of me! Dad, if he ever tried to kill you I’d do something awesome to him!”
[forwarded by Will Penner]
=======================================
today’sTHOT: End procrastination … tomorrow!
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
The elephant’s head is no load for a child. ~Sierra Leonean Proverb AfricanProverbs
A WIFE FUNNY
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”
Stunned, the young man says, “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
“I don’t like her,” she says.
[forwarded by Adon Brownell]
=======================================
today’sTHOT: The second mouse gets the cheese.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
A child does not laugh at the ugliness of his mother. ~Ghanaian Proverb AfricanProverbs
SUNDAY SCHOOL FUNNIES
LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”
Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”
EQUALITY
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
She replied, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men.'”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”
[forwarded by Adon Brownell]
A woman invited some people from church to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you’ve heard Mommy say before,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
[forwarded by Marcia Clement]
=======================================
today’sTHOT: I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
He who is unable to dance says that the yard is stony. ~Masai Proverb AfricanProverbs
A COURT FUNNY
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?!” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
=======================================
today’sTHOT: A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
“The worlds of the elders do not lock all the doors; they leave the right door open” – Zambian Proverb AfricanProverbs
A BARKING FUNNY
A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.
The husband jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this” and goes downstairs.
The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, “Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
The husband says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it!”
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
=======================================
today’sTHOT: The opinions expressed are solely those of the author. You go get your own opinions!
Courtesy: mikeysFunnies.com
=======================================
Once a man has been bitten by a lion, he buys a dog. ~Mozambican Proverb AfricanProverbs
